


he could get used to this

by syntheticsoul



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Domestic, Eddie's pov, Emotional Hurt, Family Drama, M/M, Not Beta Read, Not Established, Sorry Not Sorry, Sort Of, Temporarily Unrequited Love, Tumblr Prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-22
Updated: 2019-12-22
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:33:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21897484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/syntheticsoul/pseuds/syntheticsoul
Summary: It starts, and ends, with an accident.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Comments: 24
Kudos: 195





	he could get used to this

**Author's Note:**

> So, this was the first fic I had written in a while, but hadn't gotten around to posting it until other, newer fics had been. That was a mess of a sentence. Anyway. I'm still feeling pretty rusty with my writing skills, but overall, I'm fairly happy with how this turned out. I don't have Tumblr, but this was written as a response to a prompt list that was going around. Enjoy!

It starts, as with most things in Buck's life, with an accident. 

He's in the locker room, changing into civilian clothing when Eddie comes in, tension tight in his shoulders and a frown on his face. Buck's reaction is instantaneous, subconscious; he's reaching out to Eddie before he's even thought about it. 

"Eddie, what's up, man?"

Eddie drags his hand over his face, his gaze meeting Buck's. The younger man can see the hesitation and the worry radiating off Eddie clear as day, and it makes his stomach clench uncomfortably. He repeats the question, using his voice to urge Eddie to answer. Eddie, to his credit, doesn't keep Buck waiting long. 

"I know you've just finished a twenty-four hour shift, but do you think you could pick Christopher up from school? Shift's changed, I don't get off til eight now, and Abuela is recovering from her last fall and..."

A warm laugh stops Eddie from rambling. Buck's eyes crinkle as he relaxes, and Eddie lets out a small breath of relief. 

"Eddie, you never have to ask me to look Christopher. I love that kid."

"I never want to assume. For all I know, you might have had plans."

Like a date, his mind supplies unhelpfully. Eddie pushes down the thought; it's not like he has the right to feel jealous, or anything remotely similar. His friend is a free man, able to date whomever he pleases, especially seeing as Buck is finally taking steps in moving on from Abby. Buck lets out a snort, breaking Eddie free from his thoughts, and bumps his shoulder as he makes his way to leave the room. 

"If I ever have plans that don't include work or hanging out with my favourite Diaz, you'd be the first to know." Buck pauses, and turns back to face Eddie, adding, "Chris is my favourite. But you do alright, Diaz."

Eddie gives a half-hearted wave as he watches Buck's retreating back, steadfastly ignoring how warm he felt from the teasing. 

* * *

Buck's afternoon with Christopher seems to fly by. Before he knows it, homework has been completed, stories have been shared, and Legos have been jammed together. It's been a good time, and any tiredness Buck had been feeling has long since been replaced by contentment. He looks down at Christopher, who is scooping up his Lego back into the storage box. 

"All done, buddy?" 

"Yep! I'm hungry, though."

Buck glances at his phone, and lets out a soft 'oops' as he realises that it's almost seven. Definitely a break from Christopher's routine, but seeing as he doesn't seem to phased about it, Buck ignores the swell of guilt threatening to build. It's irrational, he thinks to himself. It's a late dinner, not the end of the world. He'll still get Christopher to bed on time. 

"Alright, Superman. Let's see what your dad has in the kitchen, yeah?"

Christopher nods as he finishes clearing away his Lego. He reaches for Buck, in a way the man knows that Christopher wants to be lifted up. He knew that kid had an independent streak a mile wide, and Buck respected it, but it doesn't stop him from feeling warm and fuzzy every time Christopher reached for him. 

"No need to tell your dad that you were up here, okay?" Buck asks as he places Christopher on the counter top, making sure he was secure against the corner where the cupboard met the bench. Christopher settles himself, making sure to hold onto the ledge to keep himself stable, and flashes Buck a massive grin. Buck grins back. 

"Our secret, Bucky."

Nodding, Buck turns to inspect the contents of Eddie's fridge.. It's a little spare; Buck makes a note to remind Eddie later, or to figure out when he can maybe do a quick shop for him. But for the time being, he can see some leftover mince from dinner a couple of nights ago, some mixed vegetables and, with a quick inspection of the cupboards, store bought tortillas. It's not much, but Buck's confident he can make a decent meal. 

"Can't promise that they'll be that good, but how do you feel about burritos?"

Christopher nods enthusiastically before pouting a little. Buck's on the verge of panic when Christopher asks, "Do you think we could watch a movie while we wait for Daddy? I promise to go to bed after he gets home!" 

Buck lets out a sigh. Of relief or exasperation, he's not sure. He hesitates; he knows Christopher has school the next day, and he knows Eddie wants to keep on a schedule as much as possible. Buck steels himself to gently tell Christopher no, no movie tonight, you'll see him in the morning when he sees that Christopher is still pouting. Not only is he pouting, he's pulling his best puppy dog expression, something Buck swears the kid has picked up from him. He melts immediately. How can he say no to such a cute attack?

"Alright. But if your dad asks, I'm putting the blame on you," Buck teases. 

The loud cheer from Christopher is all Buck needs. 

* * *

Eddie gets home a little after 8:30. It's been a long day; he's tired and sore, and all he wants to do is check on Christopher before collapsing into bed. Everything melts away, however, as Eddie steps inside. He can see Christopher's Lego box off to the side, empty plates on the coffee table, and his two favourite people in the world curled against each other as they watch the movie that's playing on the screen. It throws Eddie for a moment, the sheer domesticity of it all. But the moment passes, and Eddie takes another one to indulge himself. He allows himself to imagine that this is his everyday, that he gets to come home to two people who he loves with his entire heart. He takes a moment to embrace the warmth that's currently flowing through him. He even allows himself a moment to take a photo or two, just so he can reminisce when the loneliness hits harder than expected. 

(He also takes the photo because he knows Buck will love it, and he'll be treated to one of those wide, soft smiles that never fails to make his heart skip a beat.)

And then Eddie is shoving his feelings down, building his walls back up. It's not like Eddie is denying his feelings for the younger man; it had been years since he since he had navigated the hazy and confusing question of his sexuality, before realising it was okay to like boys as well as girls. No, there's a million other reasons Eddie won't make that leap of faith, why he _can't_.

To begin with, Buck's still moving on from Abby, even if he has started to take steps back into the dating world. Eddie isn't about to become a rebound. Then there's his own grief and guilt over Shannon, something he's still struggling with; he doesn't want Buck to be a rebound for _him_. It wouldn't be fair to either of them. Then there's the fact that they work together, Buck never having openly showed romantic or sexual interest in men, not to mention that Christopher would be hurt in the crossfire if it all fell apart... well. Having a relationship with Buck can only be a fantasy, and Eddie has to keep finding peace with that, because having Buck as his best friend is better than no Buck at all.

He drops his bag on the floor as he pulls himself out of this thoughts. It works as intended, and Eddie smiles wide as Christopher whips his head around.

"Daddy!"

"Hey, mijo," he says softly, picking Christopher up when he reaches him. He presses a gentle kiss to his cheek. "Did you have a good time with Buck?"

Christopher nods, filling Eddie in on every small detail of the afternoon as they make their way back to the couch. He listens carefully, nodding at all the right points and asking follow up questions to encourage Christopher. He can sense Buck listening intently too, even though he experienced it all first hand. Christopher finally finishes and takes a breathe, and Buck lets out a warm chuckle. Eddie meets his gaze. The younger man shrugs, sending a small smile his way.

"He's been super excited to see you, man. That's why we're up late."

"Yeah! And now you're home and we can watch the rest of the movie together!"

At once, both Eddie and Buck make sounds of protest.

"Chris, that's not what we agreed on!"

"Buddy, you have school tomorrow, and you still have to brush your teeth and get into your jammies."

Christopher pouts at him, pulling his puppy dog eyes for the second time. Eddie, even less immune to them than Buck was, gives in within seconds. "Fine," he agrees, "but no grumpy faces in the morning when you're tired, okay?"

Christopher lets out a cheer, and Eddie can hear Buck trying to hold back a laugh. He turns to glare at him, the smile on his face giving him away. 

"You're a terrible influence, Buckley."

Buck just raises his hands in mock surrender, letting loose with his laughter. Eddie caves, laughing with him as he gets comfortable on the couch. Christopher cuddles up to him, and Buck moves his arm so it's resting on the back of the couch, his fingers grazing Eddie's shoulder. The movie resumes, and the light of the screen washes over the trio. Eddie can feel the last stress of the day disappearing completely, feeling content. 

He could get used to this. 

* * *

The Diaz Household Movie Night quickly becomes a weekly tradition, so ingrained in Buck and Eddie's routine that they never stopped to question it.

(Eddie questions it once, when he receives a text from Buck asking if he had a preference of pizza for Diaz Household Movie Night. He responds with why Buck called it that, and without missing a beat, Buck explains that capital names make things cooler and it's a movie night at your place, Eddie, which is the Diaz household, duh. It's all very logical and Eddie knows that should have been the obvious answer. No-one needs to know that seeing that caused Eddie to think about Buck as Evan Diaz, and how the sound of that makes his heart hurt.)

The routine goes like this: Christopher is picked up from school by whoever finishes first, dinner is made (or ordered, depending on what Eddie has in his kitchen), the late shift finisher returns home, a movie is watched, and then both Eddie and Buck will help Christopher get ready for bed, tucking him in and wishing him sweet dreams before they return to the couch. Some nights they have a beer, some nights they stick to water, but Buck and Eddie stay up for a couple more hours after Christopher goes to bed. They talk, about anything and everything on their minds. Eventually, Eddie returns to his room, Buck crashes on the couch, and in the morning, they fight over who makes the pancakes. With breakfast done, Eddie gets Christopher ready for school and Buck returns to his apartment to freshen up for the day. 

Wash, rinse, and repeat every week. 

And then the truck crushes Buck, and their weekly tradition is swapped for hospital visits and even worse hospital food. Eddie tries to bring Christopher as often as possible, tries to provide a sense of normalcy for Buck whilst he waits for the clearance to go home. Seeing his best friend trapped under the truck was perhaps one of the worst things Eddie had ever witnessed, but seeing his friend so dejected in those first few days in a close second. But eventually, Buck is released, and the Diaz Household Movie Night becomes the Buckley Apartment Movie Night. 

Buck is quieter than before, less prone to laughter, his smiles not quite reaching his eyes. Eddie hates seeing him like this, but he's never exactly been _good_ with helping people through their emotions - or expressing his own, if he's being honest with himself. He's determined to be there for Buck, however, because that's the one thing he can do, and he can do it well. So, every week, Eddie brings Christopher by the apartment, and every week Buck opens the door for them. 

Christopher does what he can to help his Buck, too. Every week, he makes sure to compliment Buck on how well he's using his crutches, sometimes challenging him to a race. Every week, he brings Buck a new drawing, handing it over with pride and enthusiasm. Every week, Buck smiles a little longer, a little brighter. Eddie watches each interaction with pride, getting caught off guard with how lucky he is to have this kid in his life. He catches Buck's gaze. He knows that the younger man feels the same.

(It makes his heart constrict every time he sees that same pride and love for Christopher mirrored on Buck's face. But Eddie knows now is not the time to dwell on his daydreams.)

Their movie night routine remains mostly unchanged, at least in spirit. Dinner gets eaten, movies get watched, and Christopher still wants both men involved in his bedtime. Hell, Buck still sleeps on the couch.

The only thing that had changed - truly changed - was their late night conversations. Before, it was effortless, comfortable; talking with Buck came as easily to Eddie as breathing. But now? Talking is like trying to breathe with fractured ribs. Some nights, it's almost painless, as they simply sit in each other's company before they separate for sleep. Other nights, it's excruciating; Eddie holds Buck through the tears and the pain and the fears of an uncertain future. And then there are the nights where Eddie lets himself open up more, just a bit, and lets Buck crawl just a little bit deeper into his heart. Sleep is harder for both men to find now, but there are still pancakes in the morning and Christopher's laugh still fills the room. 

He's never really been the best with change, but Eddie thinks he could get used to this, too. 

* * *

The tsunami changes everything. 

There's a split second where Eddie's whole world stops spinning. His breath stutters as Buck stumbles over his words, distress choking him. Eddie tries to process the idea of living in a world without the person he loves the most. And then he spots Christopher, and he's holding his son tight in his arms, and Eddie's eyes are seeking out Buck's. The younger man collapses to the ground, the relief evident on his face. Their team - their family - is supporting Buck, keeping him from further physical hurt, and Eddie is struck with just how close he was to losing the other person he loves most in the world. 

Eddie doesn't even hesitate to drop Christopher off with Buck when he has to return to work. Spending the past couple of days with his son had done him a world of good, and Eddie was hoping the same would be good for Buck, too. 

(He pushes down the guilt of not going to see Buck earlier, of not checking in with him the day following the tsunami, of putting Buck in that position in the first place.)

Eddie barrels into the apartment after Buck opens in the door, not wanting to give him a chance to protest. Buck still tries to, and Eddie's heart breaks when he sees the anguish and the pain on his friend's face. He reassures Buck, tells him that it was a natural disaster and tries to convince him that it _wasn't his fault._ Because it wasn't. In that moment, Eddie might have blamed Buck for losing Christopher, pain mixing with anger that needed an outlet, a target. But that faded real quick. Especially as Christopher told him about the day, about how Buck saved him, about how he saved so many others because that's who Buck _is._

But who Buck is is also stubborn. He refutes Eddie, completely shouldering the blame. That stubbornness, that need to own his mistakes and faults, is something that Eddie respects. He admires it, even, because it shows how good of a person Buck is. And how much he's grown, according to Hen's stories. And he tries not to get too frustrated by it, because he understands how the guilt of failing Christopher sits and festers. So Eddie lets Buck in again, sharing his own insecurities and comparing himself to Buck in an effort to prove his trust in the other man. He wants to reassure Buck that no matter what, he's welcome and wanted in Christopher's life. 

Eddie can see that Buck isn't convinced, so he reaches out, hand clasping his shoulder. The warmth seems to flow from Buck to himself; Eddie can't help but move his thumb to rest on bare collarbone. He says his friend's name, waiting until he has Buck's full attention before speaking.

"There's nobody in this world I trust with my son more than you."

He turns away before he can see the full effect of his words. Eddie's not sure he could handle it. So he busies himself with his goodbyes to Christopher and then he's out the door, now pushing it to get to work in time. But he pauses anyway, turns to look at Buck one last time. He can still see the shock and disbelief on Buck's face, grateful to see there's less guilt, less self-loathing. Eddie is so overcome with love in that moment that his heart races. He feels like he's going to combust if he doesn't say something, _anything._ He wants to admit his feelings, feels ready to take that leap of faith. But it's not the right time.

(It never feels like the right time.)

So, instead, Eddie says, "Thank you. For not giving up." 

And Eddie puts as much love and meaning into those words as he can. He catches the brief upturn of a smile on Buck's face before he nods. He really has to leave. 

* * *

After that morning, Eddie feels like things have shifted between Buck and himself. He feels like they're standing on a precipice, and Eddie isn't sure which way they'll fall. They seem to gravitate towards each other, more than usual, despite Buck taking light duty and being away from the station more often than not. Maybe that's why. All Eddie knows is every time Buck visits they stand closer together, their touches linger a little longer, and their banter is more teasing, flirtatious. 

He's seen raised eyebrows from Hen and Chimney more than once. He can't blame them. If their positions were reversed, he'd be right there, teasing them to no end. But he ignores them the best he can, and he continues to move towards Buck, move towards more.

They circle, they move, they dance around one another. It's thrilling and intimidating and Eddie isn't sure if he wants to leave this bubble they've created.

They finally fall. 

It's late and Eddie's alone when Buck turns up. He's confused by the knock, doesn't rush to open it. Through the peek hole, he can see that it's Buck. His confusion grows; they had exchanged keys not long after the grenade incident, and Buck's never been shy about using it before. Buck looks apologetic when Eddie opens the door.

"Shit, Eddie, it's late. I should go. I'm sorry."

Eddie reaches out, grabs Buck's wrist before the younger man can turn away. Buck doesn't protest as Eddie pulls him inside, pushing him gently down onto the couch. He doesn't want to, but he figures whatever is going on with his friend might be better discussed with some alcohol, so Eddie disappears for a moment. He flops down onto the couch, handing the bottle over. Buck takes it. He smiles, but it doesn't quite reach his eyes. Concern spikes in Eddie. 

"You wanna talk about what's going on?"

Buck opens his mouth before closing it abruptly. Shaking his head, he keeps his gaze away from Eddie. "Do you mind if we just watch some shitty late night TV or something?"

Eddie simply responds by reaching for the remote, turning on the TV and letting the light wash over them.

* * *

The hours pass by without either man noticing. 

Eddie dozes off somewhere between boring late night monologues, and only wakes when the TV automatically turns itself off. He blinks, letting awareness come back to him slowly. It's like any other night where he passes out on the couch, with one noticeable difference - Buck is curled into him, an arm around his waist and a head on his shoulder. It's a nice weight. Comforting. It's everything Eddie had been dreaming off; a small part of him feels guilty for enjoying it, when Buck was clearly feeling off earlier. But he decides that moving now would wake the other man up. That's the last thing he wants to do. As much as it's for personal gain, Eddie knows Buck still struggles to have a good night's sleep after his traumas. So he settles for shifting ever so slight;y, so that his back doesn't absolutely hate him in the morning. 

Buck stirs, and Eddie freezes. 

"I love you," Buck mumbles, curling closer into Eddie. Almost on instinct, Eddie presses a kiss to the top of Buck's head, wrapping his free arm around him. 

"Go back to sleep, carinõ," Eddie whispers, the endearment slipping out of his mouth without thought. Buck makes a sleepy hum, and Eddie closes his eyes when he feels Buck's breathing out. Sleep claims him within moments. 

* * *

Buck's gone when Eddie wakes in the morning. 

It stings, but Eddie doesn't dwell on it. He can't blame his friend; he probably would have done the same thing if the situations were reversed. So, he ignores the pain and tries to focus on getting ready for work. He tries to ignore what Buck said, too. But it doesn't work. Eddie knows - he _knows_ \- that it was probably just the sleep talking. Or that Buck meant it in a platonic way. Or even that Buck might have been thinking he was curled up with Abby. Or Ali. Eddie knows that it doesn't mean anything. 

He wants it to mean something. 

He's tired of not knowing. He's tired of daydreaming, of imagining a life with his best friend, without knowing if there's even a possibility of it ever happening. So, he makes a decision. Eddie's going to talk with Buck, put all his cards out on the table, and let them fall where they fall. He knows that they're strong enough to survive unrequited feelings, even if it ends up being awkward between them for a while. 

Eddie arrives early to work, hoping to catch Buck before the start of his shift. He's hoping if things get awkward the rush of work will help them through it - be it on call or back at the station doing chores. But it's oddly quiet as he enters. Buck's not necessarily loud, but his presence is big enough to fill any space, make any room he's in brighter. Something's wrong; Buck was meant to start his shift a couple of hours before Eddie, allowing him to look after Christopher that night. Concerned, Eddie doesn't bother to unpack his duffel. He dumps in a corner out of the way, rushing up the stairs where the rest of the 118 are gathered around the table. It's a somber mood; Eddie's almost scared to ask what's happened. But Bobby notices him, motions to sit down at the table. He does, and Bobby lets out a deep sigh. 

"You've all noticed that Buck isn't here. I'm not going to sugar coat things; you all deserve better than that. Buck has decided to sue the city, the 118, and myself. He served me the papers last night."

It's better than Eddie was expecting, but also so, so much more worse. He doesn't know what he's going to do with himself; he can see that the rest of his team doesn't know how to handle this, either. Maybe if he can reach out to Buck, talk to him... the thought is left unfinished as Bobby drops the final bomb. 

"Until this has been resolved, we have been advised not to have contact with Buck."

Eddie feels helpless, powerless, out of control. The betrayal and hurt he feels starts to build, pricking at his skin, until all he feels is intense anger.

All he feels is rage. 

**Author's Note:**

> prompt 7: i love you. go back to sleep.


End file.
